Not that kind.

These cramps are in my feet. Mostly the bad foot, but also occasionally the “good” one. What’s going on here? Seriously I’ve had 15 spasms in the last hour. My toes are curling all over themselves. They’re also splitting into some really funky shapes. The muscle or tendons or whatever tightened as much as it could, tightened some more, and won’t let go. It’s like a crocodile clamping down on a victim. No bueno.

Anyone looking for a great starter program, this is for you.

Anyone looking to kick my ass into shape, monitor my progress and let me have it if I’m slacking!!

Over the past few months I was blessed to have a friend who felt the same way. Coincidentally, he lives a mile away from me. So a couple of times a week we go get pumped at the gym. It’s awesome. Sometimes you just need that little bit of motivation (a person coming over) to get you started. And I know once I’m started, it’s all good. Get me TO the gym and I will workout.

But then summer came. My gym buddy works for a school, so his lucky ass gets summers off. So he surfs all the time, and doesn’t have the time or desire to come to my janky apartment gym.

What have I been doing since summer vacay started? Well, lots of things. But sadly, not one of them has been “gym time”.

Then I saw some tweets from @itsKrust about C25K. What is that? So I google it, and it’s pretty awesome.

Basically it’s a running program designed for the person who is 100% completely out of shape and is literally starting at 0. Hence the name “Couch to 5K”

3 workouts per week for 9 weeks and you’ll be off your couch running about a 10min mile pace for 30 minutes. This is my cup of tea. I did the week 1 workout 1 yesterday and found it quite easy. So I mixed it up a bit. Added a 1.5 incline and sped up the walking portions. Also ran the last 5 min. Not too bad. I think I’ll skip ahead to week 2 next time.

The only potential setback I might have is that my current workout schedule is 2 days a week. This means I’m going to have to actually get off my couch on Saturday or Sunday to do the 3rd one each week. J said he would do it with me on Saturday. For him, this really is couch to 5K.

Wish us luck!!

Let’s see how many I can do

I was scheduled for a pelvic ultra-sound to rule out a cyst. Apparently this requires that you drink 4 glasses of water before the exam. FOUR.

I was pretty thirsty when I woke up this morning, so the first 2 weren’t bad. But let me tell you, that fourth glass was pretty torturous!!

On the bright side, this is kick-starting my pre-hydration for Texas this weekend. Unless I pee it all out in the next hour.

Now before I lay this all on him, I need to take some of the credit. I had been working to get in shape, drop a few pounds, and tone up a bit before Rhianna’s and Jessica’s weddings. Did I succeed? No. Not really. And this was my own damn fault, because I skimped on the gym about 1/3 times that I should have gone, I ate a TON of chocolate (please refer to the title of this blog – that’s my life motto, which unfortunately allows me to eat any and all things chocolate), and with stress comes less than stellar willpower to snack on salads and fruits and veggies instead of chips and cookies.

But while I’m not overjoyed with where I ended up, I’m OK with it. Because I did lose a few pounds, I am in way better shape (yay being able to run for longer than 2 minutes at a time!), and I see the slightest bit of definition in my muscles. Score.

So why this angry blog you ask?

Because I had reached a happy equilibrium where I was eating the foods that I wanted to in moderation (aka no deprivation!) and working out somewhat regularly, and not gaining or losing weight. A nice happy balance between food, exercise, and my clothes fitting nicely. Again, score!

And then my boss ruined things. With bagels.

The man eats two bagels every morning. Two. Gigantic. Bagels. Toasted, with cream cheese. We share tight quarters – if I were to stick my arm all the way out to my right, I could probably touch him. So yeah, I smell them, and boy do they smell delicious!

So I’ve started indulging in bagels. It started as once every week or two, then once a week, and now I’m eating one – in addition to breakfast and lunch – every morning at work. The bagels in the cafeteria are gigantic so of course they require 2 little packets of delicious cream cheese. So if I were to start tracking POINTS! with Weight Watchers again, I would be fucked. Because this bagel + 2 cream cheese is at least 10 points, and I only get 19 per day.

My clothes are getting tight. As previously noted, I can’t afford to buy a whole new wardrobe. Back to the gym I go. And for the love of god, if you see me eating a bagel slap it out of my hand!

In keeping with this theme, she has recently had a minor surgery to remove an ovarian cyst that just wasn’t going away. Just a couple of weeks later this girl texts because she’s broken out in hives on her chest. OK? What do you want me to do about it? Texts keep pouring in. “Hives are moving up my chest and down my stomach.” “It’s on my neck now.” “I can’t breath and I’m freaking out.” Finally, “I’m going to the ER.”

So she goes. With a 4 year old.

After shots of adrenaline, benadryl, and steroids, I get a text complaining about the needles. Then another one, “My blood pressure is 72/40. Is that bad?” LOL yes, yes it is. Good thing you’re at the hospital.

So they release her, now armed with Prednisone, Benadryl, and an EpiPen. Next day she heads to the doctor for labs so she can find out what in the hell she is apparently very allergic to. Today the labs came back and I got this text:

My doctors called. My lab work came back negative & they’re like ‘so that’s good’. How is that good? We are no closer to finding out what I’m allergic to. And they’re like ‘u have to make an appt in August so until then keep a lot of Benadryl on you’. Ummmmm …? FAIL doctors office! LOL

And this is why I love my sister. Because her body hates her and even though none of the doctors can figure out why, she is able to laugh about it and entertain other people with her misfortunes.

1. I wear contact lenses. I <3 the concept cuz I’m blind and contacts simplify my life. This point isn’t news. Moving on…

2. I previously wore Proclear contacts in one eye and Proclear Toric in the other. They were really all I knew, so I appreciated them without question. Then this year I went in for my eye exam and ordered a 6-month supply of contacts. Thing is, I was convinced they had my prescription wrong. After a couple of weeks I decided to get my prescription checked. Long story short, I ended up with a variety of contacts in a variety of strengths from a variety of manufacturers. I almost re-ordered the Proclears, Toric in both eyes this time. Then I decided to milk the free samples a little longer and requested an “extra moist” lens.

BEST IDEA EVER. I got these Biofinity Toric lenses and they’re a godsend. As expected, I see well. I also don’t have to worry about them drying out after like 3 hours. Sorry Bausch & Lomb, but I won’t be buying as many bottles of eye drops per year. I hope you’ll live!

OK this is turning into an infomercial for Biofinity. I’ll stop now, but I just had to throw it out there to anyone who has contact dryness issues and/or astigmatism!

3. I slacked off on choosing a new lens. As a result, I can’t return the unopened boxes I have of my Proclears. So now I’m stuck with $110 worth of lenses that I’ll never wear. This is sad for my bank account (wah) and brings me to #4…

4. Can I sell contact lenses on ebay?? This is kind of a challenging question. Would anyone actually buy contact lenses on ebay? If so, does said person have an astigmatism AND super shitty vision? We’re talking -7.50 /-0.75×150 (whatever the hell that means). At $60/box retail, I feel like I could make some cash here if someone else has my same special-order prescription.

It all boils down to one simple question: Is this worth my time??

• Andrew and Rhianna got married. It was a beautiful ceremony and a super fun reception. It was also my first run at being a bridesmaid and it was a completely different experience than I had imagined.
• My cousin got engaged. I’m totally stoked for him.
• I went to the doctor (again) for my foot. After 2 MRIs and 2 appointments within 4 days, I finally have a clearer picture of what’s going on with Marla. There are 3 issues total in my one foot (ffffuuuu). It IS a tumor, but it’s not cancerous. Hopefully the painful cortisone shot I got will make this issue go away once and for all.
• I took a small (but very eventful!) road trip last weekend with some wonderful ladies to attend Jess’s bridal shower. It was a lovely event. I won a prize too
• My great uncle went to the ER yesterday morning. He died today. It never really occurred to me prior to yesterday that when you say “great uncle” people kind of brush you off assuming this is a distant relative and it’s not a big deal. On the contrary, I was incredibly close to this man. My mom lost her father when she was 23. Angelo stepped in and became a second father to her, even walking her down the aisle at her wedding. I’m absolutely devastated.

There’s not really much else to say. It’s 4:45am and I can’t sleep. I can say this: I have the most amazing family and an incredible boyfriend. I know that while I’m crumbling into pieces I am loved and supported. We are a close knit group and this loss has brought us closer. For that I am grateful.

And now back to Boy Meets World. Because that seems to be the only thing on at this hour.

Let’s quickly review the bullshit

~6 years ago: I noticed a “knot” in the arch of my foot. It didn’t go away despite all kinds of massages

~5 years ago: I ask my foot doctor about it. He tells me I have plantar fibromatosis. At the time it’s not really hurting, it’s just mostly a nuisance.

~4 years ago: I decide (jokingly) that I have a foot tumor. I name it Marla, after Fight Club.

~2ish years ago: Marla begins to cause some intense pain. It’s not horrible and mostly comes and goes with exercise/walking a lot. Being cheap, I decide to just deal with it.

This past year:

-The pain became unbearable after excessive walking or exercise
-I started getting charlie horse style cramps consuming my arch and toes
-Pain is now the norm so I suck it up and get a referral to a podiatrist (yes, I chose the HMO)
-Podiatrist tells me it’s plantar fascitis. He sends me for custom orthotics and physical therapy
-Physical therapists turn out to be sadists and I believe it is their mission to torture me. I had two of them over the course of 6 sessions and both told me they think I have a stress fracture in my foot. If the pain continues, go back for an x-ray. In the meantime, keep doing the stretches.

And now we’re at the present.

I was in a wedding on Saturday (post to follow soon!) and knew running around, especially in heels, would be taxing on Marla. I vowed to just get through it and then call the doctor the following week to schedule a routine x-ray. I called the doctor yesterday and somehow was able to get in the same day. Score!

Ok the doctor looked at my foot. Poked on THE spot, aka the CORE of Marla. Yeah, he made me cry. I have a high pain tolerance, but I can only handle so much. This shit HURT. The doctor seemed to get mad almost (at the physical therapist i assume), as he informed me that there is no way I could have a stress fracture – there isn’t a bone there! So he took out a surgical marker and a yellow highlighter and started drawing on me. Why? To highlight the nerves. Apparently there were TWO things going on in my foot: plantar fascitis, and whatever the fuck this is.

Now the that plantar fascitis is under control and that portion of my foot isn’t swollen, the remainder of the problem is much more obvious. I was told an x-ray would be useless; I needed an MRI. Something about the nerve being constricted like with Carpal Tunnel. I honestly have no idea what the man was talking about, but after some intense googling, I found Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome. I think that’s what he’s talking about.

Whatever I have is rare (go me). However, in 75% of cases it can be fixed with some sort of injection. Again, no clue what’s happening. If the nerve is too shut out, as in a quarter of the cases, surgery is required. Well let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I went for my MRI.

After waiting several hours (better to wait there for a while than to go all the way home just to come all the way back another day!), I got in the tube. This thing took like 45+ minutes. In the end I was given a stack of pages full of images. Of course I went home and tried to decipher them. Too bad I’m not a radiologist and have NO idea wtf I’m looking at. I did clearly notice Marla. She looks like a white hunk of gum on the image. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be there, but it was kinda cool looking.

Then I got to work this morning. As I’m walking in, my cell rings. Unknown number. Weird. Hello? Oh it’s the hospital. My doctor has requested further imaging based on yesterday’s results.

WTF?!

So apparently I also need to get an MRI with contrast. I’m scheduled for this afternoon. They wouldn’t tell me what’s going on. I’m kind of worried.

So to summarize, I have been given like 4 potential diagnoses over the past like 5 years, who knows how many were correct. It is still unknown what the fuck is wrong with me, and I have to go get radioactive shit pumped into me tonight. On the bright side, I feel like I’m closer to finding a real answer. Heck, I might even glow in the dark!